The future of expert advice, thanks to Italian morons

Inspired by this bullshit.

“Welcome to Channel 6 news, I’m Martha Grange.

Tonight, a prominent politician caught on tape!

Plus, your picks for this week’s korfball matches.
 But first, we go to Tom Hsu, reporting live from the West Coast, where strong winds have been buffeting the coast. Tom?”

“Yes Martha, I’m here at Port Candour, where as you can see the winds have been blowing…really fast. As the winds have risen, the locals have been asking: should they be preparing for a hurricane? We approached the Bureau of Meteorology’s Frank Dreinger for comment

Mr Dreinger? Should locals be worried about the current weather?”

“I can make no specific comments on the weather”

“But Mr Dreinger, there are certainly some very fast winds out there”

“I acknowledge that a subset of people may perceive these winds as fast”

“Should people be worried about a Tropical Cyclone?”

“Strong winds have sometimes been linked to Tropical Cyclones, but I’m unable to comment on this specific case”

“Should the residents of Port Candour be preparing for the worst?”

“Best practice would suggest that preparation for events is prudent. The Bureau can in no way endorse or disendorse the idea that preparing for any situation is necessary or expected but accepts no liability for the relative preparedness or unpreparedness for anything that may transpire.”

“So your prediction for Port Candour for the rest of the week?”

“It is the opinion of the bureau that Port Candour will likely experience weather for the rest of the week. This statement should in no way be read as a definite indication that Port Candour or its surrounding area will actually experience weather, nor that the Bureau is wholly or partially responsible for the weather experience of people, animals or property within the area. Any further correspondence must be in writing through our lawyers”

“…Back to you Martha”

Silliness, Uncategorized

Everything -punk

I’ve decided, and I say this as a steampunker and dieselpunker, that I’m sick of things being whatever-punk. I get it, it’s a convenient genre thing, but we’ve seen in the past few years cyberpunk (still the best -punk) steampunk (airships, League of Extraordinary Gentlemen), dieselpunk (Grimy goggles and World Wars, Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow), biopunk (if it bleeds, kill it), cattlepunk, Atompunk, and, according to TV Tropes: iPunk, Desert Punk and Dungeonpunk, to name a few.

The general idea is that it shares a “look! It’s technology but weird” and a dystopian/antiauthoritarian themes- it doesn’t mean that you’ve stuck a bunch of bloody cogs on glasses. The best anything -punk takes an era (whether it’s the past or the future), freezes the social situation and turns the nasty knobs up full

It’s as bad as appending -gate to any remotely dicey political thing: by doing so, you dilute the original meaning/genre.

So with that in mind, here’s two more:

Punkpunk: In 1980s England, the Thatcher era has gone on forever. Social divisions, driven by racially motivated violence, the shutdown of British manufacturing and the increasing divide between rich and poor, have given rise to powerful factions like the Front Defence League, a far-right white power group that has seized control of the police forces, and the rebellious Makers, disposessed workers with incredible technical skills and a commitment to collectivism at any cost. This social environment has seen the development of a new counter-culture, that breaks free of the social strictures of the time. This movement, led by luminaries such as the mysterious Strummer and the animalistic Sid (secretly a clone created by a corporation), fight against the structures of power whilst shredding and smashing instruments.

Also, Margaret Thatcher is secretly a robot.

Gatepunk: In the far future, Humanity has spread among the stars. With planetary systems linked by giant warp gates, whichever megacorporation controls the flow through the gates controls the universe. What previously would have been sorted out in the courts by these companies is now settled through intergalactic warfare (thanks to the American Citizens United decision) which further suppresses the freedom and social mobility of the settlers of these far planets. A group of rag-tag misfits on the planet Tyson discover that the gates can be liberated only through overthrowing the powerful Apple nation.
Also, Steve Jobs was secretly a robot.